Author: Carol Odell

Compassion is usually associated with making someone feel better, helping them to stop hurting, empathizing with their feelings in a gentle way.   I would argue that this is not true compassion if it comes at the cost of the truth.  In fact, people can use this familiar definition as a reason to withhold the truth.  “I…

Relationships inevitably experience conflict.  Two people bring inherent differences which can make bridging the space between challenging.  Conflict can become a deal breaker for relationships.  But conflict, when addressed openly, directly, responsibly can create a new depth of understanding, a new emphathy for seeing the world through other eyes.  It can be a catalyst for discovering a new layer of intimacy.   In other words,…

No matter how seemingly small or trivial, the lack of follow through is one of the more destructive dynamics in an on-ongoing relationship.  Whether you agreed to pick up the kids at 4:00, walk the dog before work, pick up a cluttered area in the house, return a phone call or show up at a…

The willingness to genuinely apologize is a key ingredient in any relationship, for we are all fallible, all human, all a work in progress.  To recognize the pain one has caused in another – even unintentionally – is at the heart of a thoughtful apology. But what does it mean to offer a full apology and why can this…

This is the traditional time of year for the making of New Year’s resolutions – as well as the typical time of year for the breaking of them.  Rather than discuss these personal agreements we make with ourselves that we often have a difficult time keeping, I want to address the importance of agreements made between two…

This article was published in the Winter 2016 issue of “The Forum” published by Northwest Alliance for Psychoanalytic Study. Hiroo Onoda refused to surrender. He was a WWII lieutenant in the Japanese army, stationed on a small island in the Philippines. When Japan surrendered, Onoda refused to capitulate. He doggedly held to his belief that…

A client made an apt alteration to Thoreau’s infamous quote this week by reflecting on how many people seem to “lead lives of quiet obligation”.Holidays with their traditions, “shoulds”, and “suppose tos” can be particularly laden with this form of ‘duty’. Give yourself permission to ask, “What do I really want to do?”  “And who do I…

Marital warfare often manifests in the kitchen. Take the dishwasher for instance. Who fills it and how, who empties it and when…can all become the battleground fodder highlighting the larger unresolved relational issues. The refrain, “I always have to empty the dishwasher” can become code for a pervasive feeling that things are not “fair” in…

The “weeds” of the mind require regular extraction. Distorted thoughts can have a way of seeding and re-seeding themselves not unlike the invasive quality of ivy or dandelions. This weed I refer to, by another name, can also be called projection or transference. Distorted thoughts, like weeds, are difficult to pull up by the roots…

Does your blood pressure increase when you drive in congested traffic? Has this feeling ever boiled over? Specifically, have you ever honked, gestured, sworn, tailgated……or worse? Ever felt badly afterwards that you “lost it” back there? Ask yourself, what is at the heart of this reaction on the road. Yes, perhaps they cut you off or pulled a…

Marriage isn’t football or a courtroom, there is no place for a good defense.  What are your typical reactions to being called on something that you have done – or failed to do?  These are some of the more common defensive bylines, but this clearly doesn’t represent an exhaustive list.  It’s only exhaustive for those on the…

I find it interesting that the difference between the words “marital” and “martial” is merely the placement of an “I”.  Isn’t it the case that how we insert ourselves in our relationships can become the difference between working together (marital meaning relating to) or generating conflict (martial meaning relating against).  This is a profound distinction solely determined by the…

The one hope we have regarding transformational change – that is to once and for all end conflict and suffering in our lives – is to begin to ground ourselves in reality.  In fact, aligning oneself with reality – what IS true vs. what we want to be true – is the very meaningful act of change itself.  Sound…

Are you actually interested in the truth or is the story in your head more attractive?  For most of us, we pick the story every time.  Who wants to deal with any contradictory reality about ourselves. This is why we make it so difficult to receive the truth.  When the reflection does not adhere to the precious image…

How well do you really listen to your partner?  Would they say they feel truly heard? Listening seems like a simple, passive, everyday occurence that we give little thought to.  However, real listening requires something much more from us.  What I am talking about is the deep, intentional act of being open to hearing deeply, allowing the other’s words to…