Author: Carol Odell

I have an issue with “compromise” when used in the context of primary relationships.  Why, you ask, isn’t it healthy to be able to find a compromise with your partner when it comes to decision-making?  Isn’t this the goal?  Only if you want to have a compromised relationship. Compromise implies a giving in, a giving…

I would venture to say that most marriages operate by the “cloak and dagger” method.  What I mean by this is that one’s honest feelings, thoughts, motivations are more often than not “cloaked’ from the partner.  There can be many justifications assigned to this withholding behavior.  Not wanting to ‘hurt’ the other’s feelings, fearing their reaction, convincing oneself that…

The violence that we condemn in the external world exists within us.  We, each of us, are the violence in the world.  If we deny this, if we push away the truth of this, then we are invariably perpetuating it.  We must be actively struggling towards this realization for this is the necessary start and the only opportunity to exact real…

Many of us growing up were not given the message that we had a right to feel our feelings – especially those emotions that caused discomfort in the caregivers around us.  As a result, the message that becomes internalized is that feelings are unsafe, not acceptable, to be denied in order to feel lovable.  As human…

This week, a client asked point blank, “why be in a relationship at all?” It’s an excellent question given that relationships, at times, bring out the very worst in us.  It isn’t the storytale ‘happily ever after’ our culture seems to promise.  The reality is that it requires persistent effort – to resolve inevitable differences, to attempt to communicate…

This past week I had a profoundly intense experience involving the death of a dear friend.  Amidst a whole myriad of emotions, I am struck by the similarities between what death and intimate relationships ask of us. In both situations we are called to step forward in the face of terrifying uncertainty.  Embedded in both circumstances is the…

The work of being in relationship is the work towards being in the present moment. That goes for relationship with ourselves and with others. So often we get caught up in feeling anxious about the future, what might happen, or  conditioned by something from the past. Staying in the present moment is challenging. This is…

Insight regarding our behaviors and responses in the world is certainly important, but it is the actions that change our lives.  Insight without behavioral change is like expecting music theory to substitute for actually learning to play an instrument.  It is the action that creates the music. Sometimes, insight can become its own form of resistance.  It can be…

A dear friend of mine just shared this quote which was born out of a difficult, current life choice she is facing.  I share it here for the simple truth that it offers us all.  How often do you choose the easy way rather than the hard?  Are you aware of the presence of these choices?  How often do…

We are all caught up in the web of the past unless we do the hard work of untangling ourselves.  It requires a high level of developing consciousness to clear away past conditioning, old patterns of responding, and the inaccurate stories that we have used to make sense of the world then.  Without a great deal of examination, we bring forward these…

This is a Buddhist story that a friend shared with me this past week. There was a man who came to a temple in search of enlightenment.  He wanted to work with a teacher who could help him along this sacred path.  He was told that the teacher would become available to him, but first he…

First, what does it mean to truly give. We usually think of giving in the sense of gifts and positive regard, but it is much deeper than this.  Giving is about offering one’s most transparent self to another.  It is about being fully present in the sharing of oneself while simitaneously empathizing with the needs, feelings, experiences of another.  It is a commitment to this intention in every…

What do YOU do with uncomfortable emotions? Usually fear, anxiety, anger, shame top the list of what’s “uncomfortable”, hence what’s considered “unacceptable”. The problem is if we aren’t willing to recognize and ‘own’ these feelings, whatever they are, wherever they come from, then they will become destructive. This most often takes the form of self-blame…

Point not to what your partner does to “cause” the relational conflict, rather ask, “What is it that I am responsible for?” “How do my motives, actions or lack of action perpetuate the disconnect with my partner?” After all, it only takes one person to respond in a different, non-habitual way for the dynamic to…

In other words, we must be willing to look at the ways in which we cause our partners pain. No one wants to see how they are aggressive towards their loved one, even at the expense of knowing real love. I strongly resisted the truth about my manipulative behavior, but I absolutely wanted to have…