Category: Uncategorized

Marriage isn’t football or a courtroom, there is no place for a good defense.  What are your typical reactions to being called on something that you have done – or failed to do?  These are some of the more common defensive bylines, but this clearly doesn’t represent an exhaustive list.  It’s only exhaustive for those on the…

I find it interesting that the difference between the words “marital” and “martial” is merely the placement of an “I”.  Isn’t it the case that how we insert ourselves in our relationships can become the difference between working together (marital meaning relating to) or generating conflict (martial meaning relating against).  This is a profound distinction solely determined by the…

The one hope we have regarding transformational change – that is to once and for all end conflict and suffering in our lives – is to begin to ground ourselves in reality.  In fact, aligning oneself with reality – what IS true vs. what we want to be true – is the very meaningful act of change itself.  Sound…

Are you actually interested in the truth or is the story in your head more attractive?  For most of us, we pick the story every time.  Who wants to deal with any contradictory reality about ourselves. This is why we make it so difficult to receive the truth.  When the reflection does not adhere to the precious image…

How well do you really listen to your partner?  Would they say they feel truly heard? Listening seems like a simple, passive, everyday occurence that we give little thought to.  However, real listening requires something much more from us.  What I am talking about is the deep, intentional act of being open to hearing deeply, allowing the other’s words to…

I have an issue with “compromise” when used in the context of primary relationships.  Why, you ask, isn’t it healthy to be able to find a compromise with your partner when it comes to decision-making?  Isn’t this the goal?  Only if you want to have a compromised relationship. Compromise implies a giving in, a giving…

I would venture to say that most marriages operate by the “cloak and dagger” method.  What I mean by this is that one’s honest feelings, thoughts, motivations are more often than not “cloaked’ from the partner.  There can be many justifications assigned to this withholding behavior.  Not wanting to ‘hurt’ the other’s feelings, fearing their reaction, convincing oneself that…

The violence that we condemn in the external world exists within us.  We, each of us, are the violence in the world.  If we deny this, if we push away the truth of this, then we are invariably perpetuating it.  We must be actively struggling towards this realization for this is the necessary start and the only opportunity to exact real…

Many of us growing up were not given the message that we had a right to feel our feelings – especially those emotions that caused discomfort in the caregivers around us.  As a result, the message that becomes internalized is that feelings are unsafe, not acceptable, to be denied in order to feel lovable.  As human…

This week, a client asked point blank, “why be in a relationship at all?” It’s an excellent question given that relationships, at times, bring out the very worst in us.  It isn’t the storytale ‘happily ever after’ our culture seems to promise.  The reality is that it requires persistent effort – to resolve inevitable differences, to attempt to communicate…

This past week I had a profoundly intense experience involving the death of a dear friend.  Amidst a whole myriad of emotions, I am struck by the similarities between what death and intimate relationships ask of us. In both situations we are called to step forward in the face of terrifying uncertainty.  Embedded in both circumstances is the…

The work of being in relationship is the work towards being in the present moment. That goes for relationship with ourselves and with others. So often we get caught up in feeling anxious about the future, what might happen, or  conditioned by something from the past. Staying in the present moment is challenging. This is…

Insight regarding our behaviors and responses in the world is certainly important, but it is the actions that change our lives.  Insight without behavioral change is like expecting music theory to substitute for actually learning to play an instrument.  It is the action that creates the music. Sometimes, insight can become its own form of resistance.  It can be…

A dear friend of mine just shared this quote which was born out of a difficult, current life choice she is facing.  I share it here for the simple truth that it offers us all.  How often do you choose the easy way rather than the hard?  Are you aware of the presence of these choices?  How often do…

We are all caught up in the web of the past unless we do the hard work of untangling ourselves.  It requires a high level of developing consciousness to clear away past conditioning, old patterns of responding, and the inaccurate stories that we have used to make sense of the world then.  Without a great deal of examination, we bring forward these…